From My Heart

Blog #10 from Galmi, Niger, West Africa (#1-9 below this blog)

I’m really ready to come home but we have six more days left. At night I’ve been getting in bed telling myself, “one more day down.” It saddens me to feel this way because I know it’s very selfish and whimpy, but I want my own bed, I want to open a closet door without being worried a lizard or a spider will be in there, I want my own bathroom and a clean house (OK, my house isn’t that clean, but it doesn’t get as dusty and dirty as this house gets). I’m tired of feeling hot, dirty and stinky. I’m tired of feeling sweat trickling down my back or dripping into my eyes. I’m just plain tired.

To all the mothers: Do you know those times when you go to bed at night and tell yourself, “Today I was a good mom”? I’ve been crying a lot lately because I haven’t had one of those days since I’ve been here. I am extremely impatient and grumpy with the boys and have so little energy that even playing with them is difficult. And the last thing I want to do is cuddle with one of them on my lap because of the heat.

Ben goes to work at the hospital and everyone loves him – he’s the “hero” – he is helping people and doing what he loves in a country that desperately needs doctors. I, however, am doing the exact same thing that I do at home – taking care of the house and children – and I’m not doing it well. Locals and other missionaries thank me for coming. Thank you? For what?! I’m not contributing anything. My “job” doesn’t matter, except to Ben and the boys, and I’m failing. Yesterday Ben walked in from work and I had just sat down and begun to cry. It’s a constant struggle trying to keep my spirits up and I’m not doing that well either.

Please – I don’t want a bunch of emails telling me, “Oh Carrie, you’re a good mother…etc.” I haven’t been and I’m not looking for pats on the back – I’m trying to tell you my reality – my heart.

I just want to go home and be a good mom. Maybe I’ll be a better mom because of this experience. I don’t know. I do know God called our family here (after all, He provided Kit Kat bars and Bounty paper towels) and I know God has a plan for my life. People tell me that true peace comes when you’re in the center of God’s will for your life. Ben has peace, I don’t. Does that mean I’m not supposed to be here? No, I don’t believe that at all. I need God’s peace in my life, a “peace that passes all understanding.” (“Then God's peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7)

Thank you for reading my blog and for allowing me to be completely honest.

Lizard update: I think the lizard I “caught” recognizes me – there is one lizard that's been glaring at me and I think it's him. He is about 8 inches long but almost became a 2 by 4! I get woozy every time I think of it.